Two

I tried to go back to meet the Sun, but I couldn’t clear my mind. Then I thought, what if i just went back into that sphere, maybe the golden bee could help me, maybe just standing there and observing it go round and round in its elliptical orbit would quiet my mind… So I entered the sphere, and there it was. I went closer and wondered whether it was the Sun in some other form, I don’t know why, maybe because of its golden colour… or maybe because I thought the Sun would want to stay with me wherever I went…  or maybe it was Mercury, because once I had a dream with Hermes, and in that dream, it was a flock of golden bees that merged together to give him human form… I asked, but the bee didn’t answer.

As I was just staring, at one point I noticed some dark figures emerging out of the fog of the sphere, I was not sure whether they were trees or people or something in-between, but I got tense, and I could feel pain in my belly. “Don’t be afraid” the bee said (she had a female voice), and I tried to focus on her instead of the creatures around me, but couldn’t quite manage. Then she started to circulate around me anti-clockwise, embracing, “don’t be afraid. breathe. slower…. slower”. I could feel her warmth, but sometimes the shadows seemed to have faces, staring at me, and I felt so… guilty… so ashamed.

It reminded me of my father’s funeral, all those people staring at us, “the family”, we had to sit on a pedestal. and I felt so numb, so dead… my mother kept poking me with her elbow “your father loved you the most in the world, and you can’t even cry, look how people are staring at us and you don’t even cry, aren’t you ashamed, and I thought you loved him so much. You’re big enough to understand he’s dead.” But all I wanted was to go the coffin and look into my father’s eyes. “Can I see him, mom, can I just go and look into his eyes? why are they closed?”. – “Don’t be silly, he probably doesn’t even have them anymore, when someone dies, they take him to the morgue, cut him apart, take things out, put some of it back just so that he looks okay in the coffin.”. I was shocked. “where are dad’s eyes? what did they do with them?” – “maybe they are in formaldehyde somewhere, or in a dustbin. why does it matter?” I was horrified. All I could think of was my father being chopped up, his eyes taken out and thrown away…

It grew very dark and heavy around me, and the room shrank very small, stifling, like a casket. At that point, the bee entered my belly and started to circulate within. It was a very strange feeling, at first it was even painful, but at the same time, very warm,  and I started to feel lighter. I looked up and the sphere was growing quite large, and becoming transparent, I could see the starry sky above me. But when I took my eyes off the sky and saw those shadows, the sphere suddenly got obscure again and suffocatingly small. “Breathe” said the bee, “breathe, slower”. It felt very warm, and I was pulsating, vibrating like a tuning fork, and the sphere started to grow again, turning transparent to the stars…

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