Thirteen

I asked the Siberian man about the bee and the old woman, and he said, “First we eat, then we digest. You haven’t even had the first course, you’ve just had some appetizer”.

And he asked me “How did your father see the world?”. That was a funny question, I hardly remember my father.
“what would you say about his relationship with reality?”
“well, nothing, he was a dreamer, I guess”
“Do you remember when your father took you fishing with him?”
“No, I don’t remember.”
“That’s because he didn’t”. Now I was puzzled. “your mother never let you go. you know why?”
“Guess she was worried, she can be very over-protective. On the other hand, she was always quite happy to dump me on someone whenever she considered I would be safe so that I was not nagging her. My father was dreamy and could be absent-minded, but he loved me very much, he would have taken care of me.”

“Have you wondered why your father hardly ever appears in your dreams or visions?” he asked.
“I guess because I felt guilty for letting him die, I froze and didn’t do a thing, I didn’t even cry out for help”
“Were you ever afraid of your father?”
“What do you mean, my father loved me.”
“Yes, he did, very much. Can you remember being afraid of him?”
“no. But he was starting to drink, I guess I might have found him strange when he was drunk… but I don’t remember.”
“Was he disturbed because he was drinking, or did he start drinking because he was losing it?”
“how could I know?”
“After your father died, your mother said that perhaps it was bettter this way”. “Yes, she said there was a man in one of the neighbouring villages who tried to commit suicide but he survived and then he terrorized his family”.
“He went mad because he tried to commit suicide?”
“no, I guess… I guess what she meant was… that he was going mad and his family would have been better off if he had died”.
“Why are you so ambivalent about your gift? your vision? You come, you run away, you come back and walk a bit further, then run away… this is not your father’s head, you know. whatever he started to see, and whatever you saw within him, whatever it was that scared both of you… (and now the Siberian man looked me in the eye and bent so close that I could feel his breath on my face, and said very slowly) you are not your father”.

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