Forty-Nine

At the seaside, I saw a horse turning around and around. Another one joined in and started to rotate the opposite way around the first one. Then came another and another, each girdled the previous one, always contrariwise. They all turned golden, then more and more translucent until only their outlines remained. In the end, there were only golden threads left, each coiling around the other.

And in the centre, there was the ever-changing woman. She was watching me. I went to her and we held hands. We were one.

Then I noticed a boy and a girl. They were running in a field of wheat, playing tag in the sunset, laughing.

There came a group of riders. They lifted the kids onto their horses and off they galloped enjoying the speed. All turned golden: wheat and men… In the distance, I saw women dancing, holding white sheets. Suddenly, I was one of them. We started to build a yurt, we would stay here for the night.

The field was on a plateau. Down below was a beautiful lake, in all the colours of the setting sun. Right next to our tent was a huge tree, and the men started to climb higher and higher. I joined them.

In our ascent, we were surrounded by an ever-changing play of colour. And then, we were not climbing anymore but flying in a pulsating tunnel of air. When we stopped, there was nothing but beautiful, iridescent fog… drops of sunset gathered by wet cobwebs.

Slowly, I could make out the shape of a man. He was standing by water – sea or lake, I couldn’t tell. I recognised the Siberian man. He was waiting for me.

Twenty-Two

It is the time of my solar return, and I wanted to meet the Sun in my birth chart. I went to the dark, underground forest where he  took me the first time. I saw him sitting on a chair, with golden hair reaching a bit beyond his shoulder. The Siberian man was gently combing his hair, and I was wondering whether the Sun was male or female, it was not obvious at all. He stood up and he started to turn and turn, and once he was a man and once she was a woman. Then he came to see me, a young man around 18 or less.

“Why are you so young?” – I asked him.
“Because you want to see me that way. When your daughter was born, you decided I was not up to the task of raising her and set me aside. You decided I was childish, that I cannot function well enough in the real world.”
“And can you? You are hardly aware of time, for example. How could you feed her, or how could you fetch her from school in time? How would you notice she’s grown out of her trousers and needs a new pair? and so much more. Mystical realms is one thing, but my daughter is the most important in the world, and she needs someone who takes care of her, whom she can rely on. I doubt that’s you.”
“That’s fine, but can’t we do something better than this? How long do you think this can go on?”
“I have no idea. As long as she needs me, I guess”
“Please. You really underestimate me. I am not a child. And I’m not so childish, either.”

He opened up like a flower, and there was a woman, smiling. Then she opened up and there was a very old man. And he opened up and there was a very old woman. And he opened up and there was the young Sun, again.

“Alright” – I said. “I am sorry”.

I took his hand and we started to walk out of the dark forest, through a tunnel. I could feel his hand change in mine, and when I looked back, he looked more like a woman. Then we got out of a cave, and she was the ever-changing, dark haired, almond-eyed woman from my other meditation.

The Siberian man ran to her and hugged her, then ran to me and hugged me, too. He was very happy.

Twenty-One

I could see some thick, knitted material, dark blue, with some dark purple embellishment on it. It reflected light in a beautiful way. First, I could only see this piece of textile, and felt the wind, it was quite fresh and salty. Then I could hear the waves.

And then, I could see the sea. We were on top of a plateau or a rock, it was green around us, wildflowers, moss… the sky was covered, stormy, but there was no rain yet. A young woman was sitting on a rock, she had long, dark hair and Asian eyes. It felt very peaceful being around her. She was covered by a thick, dark blue-purple blanket.

I could hear footsteps, and as I turned around, I saw the Siberian man approaching.

“Meet my daughter” – he said.

The woman looked at me, smiled with her eyes and nodded slightly, then turned back towards the sea. I was to her right, observing her profile. She looked around twenty. I turned back to the Siberian man to estimate his age, and he seemed somewhere between fifty and sixty, or around sixty. Difficult to say.

I turned back to the woman, but she looked older now, around my age. I must have made a mistake a minute before. She looked at me for a second, then turned back to the sea. I watched the water, too, and the sky, and the flowers rocking in the wind.

When I turned back to her again, she seemed to be in her fifties. I realized she was ageing in front of my eyes.I peeked at the Siberian man, wondering what was going on. He was not getting older, he stayed the same age. He smiled. When I took another glimpse at the woman, she was quite old, her hair was all white.

“Will she die in front of me?” – I wondered.

The Siberian man stepped closer, he was standing right behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. I glimpsed at the woman again, she just disappeared, the blanket fell onto the rock, her hair transformed into mist and the wind blew it away.

“She’s gone” – I thought to myself.

The Siberian man stroked my back gently.

Then I noticed something below, a small dot coming out of the sea. It was getting closer to the rocky slope, and I realized it was a toddler, in a long, white shirt. Suddenly, I heard a cheerful cry:

“Father!”

The Siberian man waved back, smiling. The little girl was climbing towards us, growing. She was around 11 or 12 when she reached the top, and greeted us with a big smile and sparkling eyes, giggling.

She sat down next to me, where the old woman had been just before. The Siberian man took the blanket and put it around her. She bowed her head, and blushed slightly when she looked at me. She was probably around 18 now…

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