Forty-Eight

I was sitting cross-legged in the sand in the desert, my breath circulating around my body like golden strings. There was a big storm coming, and I was worried. But the Siberian man came and sat down behind me, with his back touching mine. Our breaths joined, golden threads brushing our skin. “That is not our storm”, he said. I felt calm, centered. All was raging around us but we were not touched. I raised my head to look at the blue sky above me, the clouds were gently wandering about. No signs of upheaval up there.

When it calmed down, we were still sitting there. Suddenly, I started to see in a different way, like staring into the Sun with eyes closed. It felt as if I was watching with my skin or through my skin, from the inside. At first, it was dark, then very blurred. Slowly, I could make out a huge eye, of somebody very old, somebody very ancient. She was so close to my face that I could feel her breath. And she was looking at me.

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Thirty-Five

It was very dark, I was under the sea. I glimpsed at some lines running, they were contained by a transparent pipe, like communications cables. Then I spotted a pair of feet in the sand, on the beach, slowly washed by the sea. They must have belonged to a very old woman, but I could not see her, my vision was blocked, as if I was looking through a tube or a telescope.

Afterwards, there was deep darkness, but I could make out the outlines of a mountainous landscape. There came a flock of birds, darker than the night, moving fast, around and around. I could only see half of the circle they were making, and could not move my head or my eyes to see more. I still had tunnel vision.

A bit later, they started to circle in the other direction, flying backwards. There was a small river, flowing in a forest, and it started to go backwards, and a deer by the bank was running in reverse, too. Then I watched a butterfly crawl back into the pupa.

At that point, all went dark. But then, darkness itself was moving, circling around me. And I caught sight of a tiny, golden bee, glowing in front of me. She was in slow motion, not going anywhere, floating. I lifted my arms and tried to move them in the same rhythm. I took off.

She started to fly, and I followed, glowing against the blackness around us. We reached a hive, I could hardly see a thing, but it was buzzing with life. We moved forward and forward. Then we stopped, and I could feel that we arrived. I tried to make out what was in front of me. It was a hexagon-shaped cell in a wall full of hexagon-shaped cells.

Something was moving within, and I thought it was a bee hatching. But the moment it broke through the membrane, I realised it was not a bee, but an eye, looking right at me. I was intrigued.

Suddenly, I was outside, under a dark sky, again. And I saw the eye above me, still watching. There came some wind, and bit by bit, it was covered by clouds.

Twenty-Nine

I was by the frozen lake with the Siberian man. We were just standing there, staring into each other’s eyes. Suddenly, he seemed familiar. At that instant, I flashed back to the Asian man in my childhood – had they known about him, adults would have called him an “imaginary friend”. At the time, I thought he might be Chinese or Inuit. He taught me lots of things, helped me through a lot.

“Is it really you?” – I asked the Siberian man.

He bent his head down slightly and didn’t reply.

Out of a sudden, he was different, he lost his human form, and became a dark light playing in complex, fascinating colours, like the aurora borealis. It felt as if I was perceiving him with a different organ. It was the same kind of perception as when I saw myself from the outside, or when I looked with the eye in my navel

I got scared. Our safe, inner place became an opening of some kind, to something else, maybe a crossroad between the worlds. The abruptness of this change frightened me. I felt vulnerable.

“Are you… real?” – I asked.

“What do you mean “real”?”

“Do you exist only within, or are you… who are you?”

He didn’t reply. He changed back to his human form. But I was still scared, breathing rapidly.

“It’s okay, everything’s okay. slow down your breathing, slow, slow, slow”

We waited until I felt calm again.

“Where have you been all this time, where did you disappear?” – I asked. I couldn’t remember how I lost my “imaginary friend”…

“I was here, with you, the whole time.”

“Why?” – Why would he do that? Stick around?

“None of us are on our own, little bee, you know that. We are all connected” – he said, stroking my face.

“Yes… yes, I know.”

Twenty

I was in a cavern by the sea, I could not see the water but I could hear its roar: there was a storm. Then the waves came into the cave, and a long figure lifted me up and threw me into the water. I couldn’t swim. He caught me, lifted me up, threw me in again. “learn to swim” he said, and did it again and again. I still couldn’t swim. It didn’t work. It was pointless.

Then the waves left the space and the man disappeared. I heard the sounds of footsteps, but couldn’t see anyone. The footsteps sometimes came from one direction, then from the other. It was quite dark, I could hardly see a thing.  I was anxious, and I could feel my anxiety burning in my belly.

Then I remembered the eye in my navel, and I decided to try and open it and look around. It felt strange, but it worked, I could see a dim figure, I wondered if it was an animal, it felt so alien. It was changing shape, taking form… at one moment, it looked like the head of a snail, then it resembled Yoda from Star Wars… whatever it was, it was something very different and strange.

“Who are you?” – I asked.

There was no reply. I tried to guess, but its energy felt so alien that I had no idea what this being could be. Was it one of the outer planets? Uranus? Pluto? Neptune? None of them aspect the Moon in my natal chart… Saturn? He wouldn’t be so fluid… why didn’t it say something? Whatever it was, it must have come in answer to my question about my mother – just before meditation, I wondered why our relationship was so complicated.

Then, it occurred to me that maybe it couldn’t talk. I showed him a natal chart, with the houses, but without planets in it. It was like a map drawn on a piece of cloth. “Show me where you are in my birth chart”. It put its finger onto the 8th house. I have no planets in the 8th house. I tried to visualize my natal chart to see what could be there.

In the meantime, the creature found something like a ladder against the wall of the cave, and started crawling upwards. He looked more like a lizard right now… or… I suddenly remembered what was in my 8th house. “You are the tail of the dragon, the South Node” I said, and he indeed looked like a dragon now.

He reached some kind of plateau, where he transformed into a lion, and kept walking forward. When he reached the end of the plateau, it looked down into the depth, it was vast and there was a dark lake at the bottom.

Suddenly, the huge head of a dragon rose out of the lake, it was threatening, the lion was scared. He transformed into a wolf, but the wolf was scared, too. Then it transformed into a little girl, resembling Alice in “Alice in Wonderland”, the Disney cartoon.

The dragon swallowed her. She traveled through the body of the dragon, down the abyss, into the lake, up the ladder, and popped out at the tail. Then the dragon swallowed her again. This was repeated quite a few times.

Then I heard a voice close to me: “Don’t follow the white rabbit.”. It was probably the Siberian man. I wondered whether he was amused…

Eighteen

I closed my eyes, breathed slowly and suddenly I could feel something heavy on my belly… Then I saw myself from the outside, my eyes still closed, and there was a dark pool in my navel. As I bent closer, I realised that what reflected light was not some dark liquid but an iris  – I had an eye there!

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