I went back to the icy lake to meet the Siberian man. We were standing in the water, and I told him that I wanted to die. “I know” he said. I didn’t have to say more, I didn’t have to explain that I would never do something like that to my daughter and my husband. He knew. We understood each other. We were just there, looking into each other’s eyes, holding hands.

Then I lied down in the water, let myself sink. The ice slowly covered me, it grew thicker and thicker, and I wouldn’t have been able to lift my head even if I had wanted to. But I didn’t want to.

The Siberian man was by my side, holding my hand. I was drowning. My body struggling for air, I could feel my pulse racing. And yet, I was calm inside, everything was alright. Without moving at all, I was waiting for something.

And then, suddenly, I was outside my body, floating.  I saw myself, frozen into ice, and the Siberian man – still there, still holding my hand…



I was in a boat with the Siberian man. The world around us was in all shades of blue. It was more like a lake than the sea. There was a forest ahead of us, a black outline of trees against a dark blue sky. We were close to the shore, it was not too deep here, but partly frozen. I don’t know why, I just stepped out of the boat. I was cold, trudging through a mix of water and ice. But I kept walking towards the forest. I wanted to go there.

The Siberian man followed me in his boat. He didn’t say a thing. I wondered whether it was the beginning of winter or the end of it. Was the lake not fully frozen or not fully melted yet? I couldn’t tell. It was very cold, but all those shades of blue… sparkling, almost white… robin egg blue… cobalt… sapphire… Prussian blue… indigo… ultramarine… midnight blue…  so beautiful. I could feel the whole landscape throbbing, and I was pulsating with it, like a tuning fork…

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