Eleven

I was in the dark, and I could hardly make out what was going on. There were a lot of fast moving images, unrelated to each other. One of them was a man who had no skin. When I went closer, his flesh almost looked like fire… and I asked him what he thought my ascendant was, it came just like that. And he replied Leo 14.*

At times it felt like we were in a night jungle, other times it was more like deep underwater. At one point, I was on a cliff, looking down into a dark river, and there was a crocodile swimming, and something that looked like a big spider-woman came out of its head, and another, and another. I should have been frightened or disgusted, but I wasn’t. Then a big flock of birds or other winged creatures came flying close by, very fast. “don’t be afraid”, the old woman said, “they can’t see us”.

I wasn’t afraid. It all reminded me of being a child, of waking up  in the middle of the night: the whole room was transformed by the moonlight filtering in through the blinds… all the familiar objects turned into strange, amorphous beings…

This time, however, I understood that it was not the world around us that was weird or scary, it was my sight that was not good enough.  “It will come, later” the old woman said. Then I noticed red floss, like roots, pulsating. I was in my own body. I saw them grow and reach out through my skin, like golden threads, like a golden lace entwining around me… at the moment, however, it was all quite a mess…  “it will sort out”, the old woman said. The sensation reminded me of the time when I was pregnant and I could feel a new life growing inside me, but this new life right now was developing not within but around…


*It took me a while to realize that the skinless man was the Sabian symbol itself: Leo 14 reads “A human soul seeking opportunities for outward manifestation”. He had no skin, nothing to protect or  envelope him, nothing to make him truly visible or recognizable in the outer world, no face, no fingerprints…

One

I just sat down by the curb (it was a street at night, without any public lights) and waited to see who wants to come and meet me. It was the Sun.  My first thought was that he was the parody of the Sabian symbol for the Sun in my natal chart: 4 Scorpio: “A youngster holding a lighted candle”. His head was a glowing orb, but you could also see a face, with the expression of a child ready to do some mischief. His hands were huge, as if they were the hands of a big plush figure. They reminded me of little red riding hood “‘ But, grandmother, what large hands you have!’   ‘All the better to hug you with.’ . “No, thank you” I said, “okay” said the Sun,  shrugged and sat next to me onto the curb. “I”m not in a good mood”, I said. “you’re telling me? I’m soon going to be eclipsed” – he laughed. True, I thought, there’s going to be an eclipse in the morning.

So, the Sun was sitting next to me on the curb, and he started to blow little golden bubbles that followed each other in a row, like a floating ribbon, high up above us, and I realized they were actually Hebrew letters. “I don’t read Hebrew” – I told him. “oh, don’t you?” – he replied, not giving a damn whether I do or I don’t. I was staring at the letters, moving, glowing in the night, and I remembered how, as a child, I used to blur my vision and let patterns emerge from everything, the stains on the wall, the drops of water on the table, if I stared long enough, there was always a form emerging, in 3D and alive…

As I started to look at the golden Hebrew letters this way, they assembled into the kabbalistic Tree of Life. My interest in the Kabbalah was a long time ago and short-lived, because I didn’t like how hierarchical the system was, it seemed too square, too rigid. This tree of life, however, was not some dead structure, at all, it seemed very much alive.

“I am not doing the work of the Kabbalah” – I said to the Sun. “oh, don’t you?”- he shrugged, didn’t seem to care. He lifted me up, and as he touched me, I became small in his hand for a moment, and he just blew me into one of the ten spheres as if I was a soap bubble. “that’s where you are right now” – he said. It was the second sphere from the top, first on the left.

It was foggy inside, I could sense presence, but couldn’t actually see anything except a tiny golden bee flying round and round on an elliptical orbit. Then a woman approached through a corridor, dressed in beautifully ornamented, but heavy materials, her face was hidden, too, and she was quite tall. I wondered if she was the Bride the Kabbalah was talking about, but I was not sure because from her voice and her stature, I guessed she was more of a matriarch than a young woman.

I started to wonder which of the spheres I was in, I vaguely recalled each had its own name and symbolism, but I could not remember them at all. “You’re wondering where you are” – the woman said, “don’t worry, you can find out all about it when we’re done”. I told her I was not interested in the Kabbalah, and she shrugged, it didn’t matter. “So, what are you interested in?” I told her that I have come to a point when I actually can’t see the point in anything at all. Then she stepped closer, lifted my hands up (that’s when I realized I was resting them on my abdomen) and asked “Oh, really, and how’s the belly?”. I blushed. She let my hands go, and said “I’m sure you want to look around, I’ll leave you to it, see you later” and walked away. And there I was, standing in the fog, watching the tiny golden bee drawing its ellipses…

.


Note:

The sphere is called Binah. I found out that according to the Kabbalah, there are two kinds of understanding, Chokhmah and Binah. Chokhmah is raw insight, the “divine spark”.  “This point is both infinitely small, and yet encompasses the whole of being, but it remains incomprehensible until it is given shape and form in Binah.” wikipedia

Binah is the other kind of understanding, it is also called the “womb” or “mother”, “intuitive understanding”, “processed wisdom”. Binah is not considered as a positive experience, this sphere is associated with Saturn, because it constricts the infinite potential and inspiration of Chokhmah so that some of that potential can materialize. They also associate Binah with nurturing and “repentance”, which seems a strange pairing at first, but the original Hebrew word for repentance  is teshuva, and it literally means “return”. Binah is an arduous sphere, it asks for an understanding of how one strayed from God/wholeness, and it requires one to take action to return to wholeness/God.

I think Binah is quite an adequate metaphor for where I am right now.  I’ve had all kinds of mystical experiences and sudden insights all my life, but I never figured out what I was supposed to do with them,  they often just left me confused and upset. That is  “Chokhmah”. And, according to the Sun, now I have entered “Binah”, where I have some work to do…

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